10 reasons computers must be Males

Top 10 reasons computers must be male:

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

Did you know that ...

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in their head.

When you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.


In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand or attempted to do so.

In the United States alone, there is a lawsuit every 30 seconds.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Rats and horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the U.S. government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for US citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

Forty percent of all people who come to a party in your home snoop in your medicine cabinet.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

100% of all lottery winners gain weight.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.

In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

160 cars can drive side by side on the Monumental Axis in Brazil, the world's widest road.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Cat's urine glows under a black-light.

A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

and last but not least...

Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbows!

The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says.....

"We need" = "I want"

"It's your decision " = "The correct decision should be obvious by now."

"Do what you want" = "You'll pay for this later."

"Whatever" = "You'll pay for this later."

"Fine" = "You'll pay for this later."

"We need to talk" = "I need to complain"

"I'm not upset" = "Of course I'm upset, you moron!"

"You're so... manly" = "You need a shave and you sweat a lot."

"Be romantic, turn out the lights." = "I have flabby thighs."

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = "I want a new house."

"I need wedding shoes" = "the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white."

"Hang the picture there" = "NO, I mean hang it there!"

"I heard a noise" = "I noticed you were almost asleep."

"Do you love me?" = "I'm going to ask for something expensive."

"How much do you love me?" = "I did something today you're really not going to like."

"I'll be ready in a minute " = "Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V."

"Is my butt fat?" = "Tell me I'm beautiful."

"You have to learn to communicate." = "Just agree with me."

"Are you listening to me!? " = "Too late, you're dead."

"Do you like this recipe?" = "It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it."

"I'm not yelling!" = "Yes I am yelling because I think this is important."

Excerpt from

1. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields, said to demonstrate why she should become spokesperson for a federal antismoking
campaign


2. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward


3. "I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members
of the Senate."
Vice-President Dan Quayle (surprise, surprise)


4. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.


5. "Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert,


6. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass--and I'm just the one to do it."
a congressional candidate in Texas


7. MEMBERS AND NON-MEMBERS ONLY
sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio


8. Wish -- To end all the killing in the world
Hobbies -- Hunting and fishing
from personal statistics of California Angel Bryan Harvey, flashed on the scoreboard at Anaheim Stadium


9. "The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe."
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia


10. "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal,the school department is extremely
pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
Philip Streifer, superintendent of schools, Barrington Rhode Island


11. "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
baseball great Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series

FUNNY ENGLISH

Attempts At English

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.

In a Tokyo Hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing please not to read notice.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:

Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:

You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:

Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly:

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:

Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance:

- English well speaking

- Here speeching American.

Amusing Proverbs

Fools rush in where fools have been before.
To avoid duplication, make three copies.

It's called "take home" pay because you can't afford to go anywhere else with it.

Success is relative—the greater the success, the more relatives.

Anyone can be a winner—unless, of course, there's a second entry.

The slower you work, the fewer mistakes you make.

If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.

If at first you succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

You must have learned from others' mistakes. You haven't had time to think all those up yourself.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

People like criticism—just keep it positive and flattering.

It's OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound.

Worry kills more people than work because more people worry than work.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

When you're getting kicked from behind, that means you're in front.

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

The world is full of willing people—some willing to work and some willing to let them.

Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.

A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Most people deserve each other.

All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

The one who snores will fall asleep first.

The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.

The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.

Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.

If you help a relative in need they will remember you the next time they are in need.

The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with

English Joke - Factory Workers

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

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Time and Space

Definition of Time:

Time is what allows two objects to occupy the same space.

Definition of Space:

Space is what allows two objects to exist at the same time.

Why you should learn English

If....It's

If a barber makes a mistake, it is a new style.

If a driver makes a mistake, it is an accident.

If a doctor makes a mistake, it is an operation.

If parents make a mistake, it is a new generation.

If a politician makes a mistake, it is a new law.

If a scientist makes a mistake, it is a new invention.

If a tailor makes a mistake, it is a new fashion.

If a teacher makes a mistake, it is a new theory.

If you make a mistake, it is your mistake.

oooops

Man: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God: "So you would love her."

Man: "But God, why did you make her so dumb?"

God: "So she would love you."

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was

Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that

Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. hahaha